i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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