I wish I could teleport
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
