Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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