just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
