I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize