her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
