I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
