you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize