Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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