Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
