What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
