Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
