can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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