I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
