Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
