Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
