I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
