I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
