dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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