Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
