He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
