In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I deserve this hangover.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
