News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
