Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
if only i could text you this smell
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
