I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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