i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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