I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
