I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
