last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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