I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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