I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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