Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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