I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
