You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
