I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
