I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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