I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
even my farts smell like vagina
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
