you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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