so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
