i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
