Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize