tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
