Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
