She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize