my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
