just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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