After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
