Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
