But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
