also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
