i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
