I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
