I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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