You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
