You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
