So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
