Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
