A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this just has baby written all over it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
