i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
