Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
