my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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