I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
