I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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