At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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