i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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