Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
